Brand new to BDSM? Here's what you can expect during our time together.
I see a lot of first-time submissives, and I frequently receive calls and texts from newbies who, understandably, have a lot of questions. Many of them can be answered by exploring my website and reading my blogs, but a number of questions point to a common theme: anxiety about taking that leap and booking a Dominatrix for the first time.
If this resonates with you, know that you're not alone. Every Mistress is different, of course, but if you're new to BDSM and you'd like to book your first session with me, you should know the following:
When you first arrive at my dungeon, I won't greet you at the door and immediately command you to get on your knees and kiss my boots. Instead, I'll greet you with a smile and do what I can to ease your nerves and make you feel a bit more comfortable.
We'll start by completing our rapid tests. As we wait for our results, we'll jump into negotiations, an important part of the session where we lay out the ground rules for our time together.
Among other things, we'll discuss your interests and limits, any medical conditions you may have, the safe words I expect you to use should you need them, and questions you may have for me.
After that, I'll give you a few minutes alone to prepare before our play starts: you can use the bathroom, take a few deep breaths, check your phone one final time, etc. When you're ready, we'll begin.
We'll talk at length about your interests and limits during our negotiations prior to play, but if you don't tell me about something you're interested in, I have no way of knowing it's on the table. While I ask that our emails remain polite and G-rated, there's no need to worry about being vulgar or offensive during negotiations: in fact, it's helpful when you speak explicitly!
It can be awkward to talk about your kinks and fetishes in detail, but it's important to get past that. BDSM and kink are so individualized and nuanced that what interests one person may completely repulse another.
For these reasons, it's never safe to assume an interest is implied. If you only mention an interest in bondage and sensory deprivation, I have no way of knowing you're also interested in drinking my spit.
Keep in mind that when you book with me, you're booking a block of my time rather than a block of play. Our time together therefore includes any tardiness on your part, in addition to negotiations when you arrive and a few minutes for clean-up and aftercare at the end.
Those new to BDSM often want to stick to my 90-minute booking minimum, but if you're nervous about your first time, this probably won't provide enough time for you to fully relax. If you have the financial means, I highly recommend booking at least 2 hours. Most of my sessions are at least 3 hours, so even an extra 30 minutes can make all the difference.
Plenty of people get nervous before visiting a Mistress, and it's not just newbies: even seasoned kinksters get nervous sometimes despite having years of experience under their belts!
If I know you're nervous, I'll do what I can to make you feel more comfortable, so don't dull your nerves with drugs or alcohol prior to our session. If you show up to my dungeon visibly intoxicated, I'll send you home without a refund for our mutual safety.
I want you to leave my dungeon filled with the same love for kink and BDSM that I have, and that's not going to happen if you're pushed past your breaking point. I want to push you, not traumatize you.
If you've never visited a Dominatrix before, your only prior experience with BDSM may be from porn. This can be intimidating for a slew of reasons (especially if you don't like pain!), but remember that much like how vanilla porn isn't always representative of vanilla sex, BDSM porn isn't always representative of a session at the dungeon.
During our time together, I'll check in with you every now and then to make sure you're doing okay: if you're in bondage with your arms above your head, for example, I'll ask how your arms are feeling, if they need to be repositioned, etc.
Most people aren't heavy masochists, so if we engage in anything remotely painful we'll use a simple, numerical check-in system discussed during negotiations for monitoring your pain level.
Just because I'm a Dominatrix and you're kinky doesn't mean we're automatically a good match: I've been an instant favorite for many submissives, but I've also been a big disappointment for others.
Sure, maybe you like my clips and photos, but that doesn't mean you'll actually enjoy submitting to me in person. You may not like my play style or personality as much as you thought you would, for example, or you may find you like me as a person but not as a dominant.
It doesn't make you a bad submissive if you don't enjoy our time together, and if you find yourself in this situation, I encourage you to give other Mistresses a chance rather than giving up on kink completely. Sometimes it takes time to find the connection you're looking for, but I promise you that when you find it, it's worth it.
While it doesn't happen to everyone, it's not uncommon to feel a bit out of sorts a few hours after completing a session, even if you had the time of your life. In the kink community, we call this dropping.
Dropping can essentially be described as a kink hangover, and happens because the chemicals in your brain are regulating after a period of extreme physical and emotional intensity. This can happen to you no matter what side of the slash you're on: submissives experience sub drop while dominants experience top drop or Domme drop.
Dropping feels different for everyone: when I drop, for example, I experience brain fog and physical fatigue. Sometimes I stammer a lot and lose track of words, which makes it much harder for me to articulate what I'm trying to say.
If you experience sub drop, you might feel a little more tired than usual. You might also struggle with deeper feelings, like sadness, confusion, loneliness, or even shame about seeing a Dominatrix in the first place. Whatever feelings you experience may last for a few hours, like mine usually do, or they may last for a few days, like mine have in the past.
If you drop, know that this is normal and these feelings won't last forever. You're not dropping because you're a bad person, a dirty pervert, or a fucked up freak, and it doesn't mean you're not kinky or shouldn't see a Dominatrix again.
Be good to yourself while you process your emotions and remember, dropping is such a common occurrence that the kink community coined a term for it.